Struggling to Express Herself
by luvtheheaven
Summary: What if Bay was asexual? She deals with the challenges that being asexual brings as she dates both Ty and Emmett in the fic. (She doesn't know she's asexual yet at the start of the fic.) (The fic ends with a Bay/Emmett scene, but honestly both ships leave on a pretty good note in my opinion, and I think I treat both guys fairly and if you ship either you should enjoy this.)


_**Author's Note:**__ This was written for Asexy April, a "Fanwork Challenge" encouraging more writing of asexual characters in fanfiction, and since I am both asexual myself and a fanfiction writer, I decided to go for it!_

_This fic of mine is dedicated to syrimoon who reblogged my asexy fanvideo submission (a submission that included a few clips of Bay" manipped" to make Bay seem potentially asexual), and who commented: "BAY KENNISH FUCK YES".  
asexy-aprilDOTtumblrDOTcom/post/82518218329/title-did-you-know-multi-fandom-fanvideo-all_

_So yeah, this is for you, syrimoon. I had a few different ideas of Asexy April things I could write, but you made me feel like I just *had* to write this one about Bay. ;) _

_This is my first time ever writing about asexuality in a fanfic context, and I based this fictional version of Bay's experiences mainly on my own. Every asexual person has unique experiences though, so please keep in mind that what Bay experiences below is not universal._

_Also... for the sake of this fic, Bay never met Tank, Bay never hurt her hand at that party, in general season 3 didn't really happen and this fic is more based on seasons 1 and 2. I change the fact that Bay dated Liam, Alex, and Noah... but that should be obvious once you begin reading. Most of the events in seasons 1 and 2 remain canon._

_Also, one last thing – I joined AO3! Archive of Our Own is an awesome site and I think I prefer reading fanfics over there to over here now, and I like posting over there too with the freedom to have as many characters and specific tags/relationships as you want and all of it. The commenting system. I just prefer that site for fanfics. I'm luvtheheaven over there too if you want to check me out._

_Sorry for the long author's note! Enjoy._

* * *

Bay had spent her whole life just wanting to feel understood. She wanted to feel like she truly belonged. Unfortunately, she'd always felt like no one saw things from the same perspective as she did. In the Kennish household, she always knew something was off and that she was different, in some significant way, from her three other family members. And she'd _never_ enjoyed attending Buckner. Her personality did not fit at all with the snobby prep school environment, and neither did her ambition to become an artist as a career one day.

That being said, there_ was_ that _one time_ in Biology class when her lab partner, Liam, had noticed her artwork on the top of her pile of schoolbooks, and then he'd given her the sweetest compliment. So_ of course_ that had been enough for Bay to develop a small crush on him, but it didn't matter. Liam never was single. And besides, she had bigger concerns in her life starting the second her blood test experiment in class revealed that she was not the right blood type. When the DNA test confirmed that it was 99.9 percent certain that she was not related to her own parents.

But then she found herself in East Riverside, spying on the Vasquez home from her car, and there Ty was, calling her out on her stalker ways. Before she knew it, she'd experienced her first kiss. And then her second, and her third. Ty was sweet to her, and she really enjoyed being able to share the fact that she created street art with someone for the first time. It was refreshing to really get to know someone who did not go to Buckner, who did not have Kennish genes, and who was just a really nice guy to talk to.

Kissing him was exciting at first, because it was a rite of passage to experience it, and because it was symbolic of how she and Ty both mutually cared for each other in that way. But before long, they started _really_ kissing… you know? They had gotten to the point where they were making out – with tongue! - and she could tell Ty was a lot more _into it_ than she was. He was also older than her, though, and she assumed a lot more experienced, although they never really talked about what he'd done in the past, or with how many girls.

Bay would find herself bored when they kissed, and she worried the problem was that they had no chemistry. But she didn't want to hurt Ty's feelings, so she didn't bring it up. She didn't want to break up with him and see other people, so why would she start a conversation about how they were "incompatible" in that way? Plus, she could tell _he_ was enjoying it, so she went along with it. How could they have "no chemistry" if he was so_ into_ kissing her? He smiled in the most adorable way every time they parted to catch their breath. She needed advice on what to do.

However, before she got up the nerve to ask either one of her moms about how much they had enjoyed kissing their first boyfriends, Ty had already enlisted. And Bay almost had had sex with him, because he had really wanted to, but a part of her really didn't feel… ready. She didn't know why, but she didn't feel very comfortable with the idea of getting naked with him. She felt so lucky when Ty said he didn't have a condom and she'd had that good excuse to get out of having sex with him. And after he'd enlisted without talking to her about it, she used that as an excuse to keep her distance from him until he was already… gone.

Before she knew it, she found herself falling for Emmett. He was an artist too, albeit a different kind… but she found herself growing more passionate about photography as a medium for art by the day. There was also something about the way being Deaf made him look at her. I mean he'd really _look_ at her, constantly, never taking his eyes away. He seemed to be able to look at her hands and her face at the same time. His eyes took in so much. And at times she could tell he'd look at other parts of her body, too. He seemed to admire how she moved when she was merely walking in his direction. She felt… really beautiful when she was around him, and that was a really nice feeling. And within only a couple weeks of hanging out with him, she wanted to kiss Emmett really badly. See if it'd be better than what kissing Ty had been like. She felt like the more time they spent together as "just friends", the more she was "falling in love" with him. Isn't that what falling in love with a friend felt like? Wanting badly to try kissing this person, not being able to stop thinking about it? Bay wasn't sure if it was "love". What she knew for certain was that she constantly had Emmett on her mind.

But as soon as Emmett had kissed her, disappointment washed over her. It had felt just like it had with Ty. She felt… nothing. No "spark". No wonderful, exciting, feeling. Definitely nothing positive that made her want to try it again. It wasn't… bad, per say. She felt more indifferent: she didn't like kissing, but it's not like she _hated _it, either. Still, the more she tried meshing her mouth with her new boyfriend, the more she felt like it was slimy and pointless and she wanted to go back to just letting Emmett teach her new ASL signs, go back to when they both were showing each other their artwork … go back to_ all_ the things they'd done when the were "just friends".

Bay kept kissing Emmett, just like she had with Ty, never once really telling him that she wasn't all that into it. Why she wasn't more honest about what she was thinking and feeling, she wasn't sure. It's not like she_ lied _to Emmett. But she was afraid to admit this particular truth to him. Afraid he'd take it the wrong way.

In private, she started to Google her experiences, and she came across this word "asexuality". The more she read, the more she realized it fit her well, but she hesitated on deciding that was definitely her sexual orientation. After all, she hadn't even tried so many sexual activities yet. How could she know, if she didn't give it a shot?

So she tried to work up the nerve to have sex with Emmett, but she kept wanting to put it off another day… or another week. There was a time when Bay was afraid Ty had been killed overseas. There were lots of reasons to postpone the big "event". She told Emmett the reason she was hesitant was that she was a 'vegetable'... But Emmett _wasn't_ a virgin and he was getting impatient. Before long, they were fighting over his living situation, and him wanting to drop out of school, and all of the drama with his parents' custody dispute… and the idea of sex was off of the table, temporarily, until things cooled down.

Bay had actually been finally ready to try experimenting with sex to really see if she was asexual or not. She had planned on it happening the night of the Deaf prom. But then Emmett had confessed that he'd cheated on her, and instead of Bay experiencing sex for the first time, she experienced true heartbreak. With Ty leaving she had been hurt, and felt sad, but with Emmett cheating on her? Her entire soul had been crushed. It was such an intense grief that she didn't realize she'd feel. She wondered if it was her fault, if he would have cheated anyway if they'd had sex _just once_ before things had gotten so... complicated. Before Emmett had gotten so mad at her. Had she been unfair to make him wait so long for sex? Was she asexual? Maybe. If she was "sexual" would she realize just how difficult it is to wait _that long_ for sex?

Bay went to summer camp and befriended some girls, but didn't think about romance at all. She tried to keep her mind off of it as much as possible, because when she thought about it, she thought about Emmett, and the tears threatened to fall all over again.

After the summer was over, Bay enrolled in Carlton and finally was on her way to becoming friends with Emmett again. She also became friends with a boy named Noah. He became Daphne's boyfriend early into Romeo and Juliet rehearsals, so he would come over to the house pretty frequently, especially during the six week period when Regina had to go to rehab and Daphne felt lonely. But he liked Bay, as a friend, because she was in a similar position as a hearing kid in a Deaf school, struggling to keep up with those much more fluent in ASL. He was a sweet guy, and she'd grown to appreciate him. She was sad when he and Daphne broke up, and she wasn't really sure why it had happened, but she didn't want to intrude. If Daphne had wanted to share what had happened between them, she would've. All Bay knew was that Noah stopped coming around mid-way through the summer. But Daphne bounced back quickly and found a guy named Jace.

Meanwhile, Bay ran into Ty again at Maui Kansas, and they rekindled their relationship. Bay really did care about this guy. He was the first guy to have ever appreciated her street art as_ hers_, he was the first guy she really talked to openly about her feelings when "the switch" had just been revealed… he had almost died fighting in a war, and she would have been devastated. So she fell back into some old habits, kissing him and never admitting just how much she was_ not _enjoying it, and she ended up finally experimenting with sex for the first time with Ty.

And it wasn't much of a surprise when she wasn't into it. But she was still really disappointed. She didn't want to be asexual. And after Ty noticed she wasn't "getting off" despite his best attempts, when she wasn't even "turned on", when she didn't seem to be smiling at all… Ty asked her what was wrong. And at that moment, Bay burst into tears. She rushed to find her bra again, and her panties. She quickly clothed herself as fast as she could, apologizing the whole time.

"I'm sorry, it's not you!" Bay cried out through her tears in a super-high-pitched tone. She pulled her shirt over her head but kept talking the whole time, so her voice became a bit muffled. "You didn't do anything wrong." She stood up off of the bed in order to pull her pants up all the way. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me."

Ty awkwardly hesitated between re-clothing himself and looking at his girlfriend with concern. He managed to get his boxers back on, but nothing else, before gently placing a hand on her shoulder and trying to calm her down.

"Okay," he said slowly. "Are you _sure _I didn't do anything wrong?" He said it softly, understandingly, ready to hear whatever she had to say.

"Yes. I'm sure. It's not you. It's… well, I mean… I'm not really sure of anything," she mumbled, facing away from him and beginning to bury her face in her hands.

"Hey. Wait. Stop that," Ty replied, gently nudging at her arm, trying to encourage her to take her hands away from her face. "Talk to me. Please."

"I think I might be asexual," she blurted out quickly but quietly.

"What?" Ty responded.

"Asexual. I don't experience sexual attraction, or desire, or any of it. I don't even like kissing. I… I didn't like any of it with you the first time, or with Emmett," she finally admitted, and it felt like such a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. "Or with you this time around. But I like you, a lot, I do…" she tried to reassure him, but it somehow felt half-hearted, like there was no way he'd believe her.

Ty looked at her with confusion, not sure how to respond. After a few moments, he came up with something to say.

"Um… well what do you fantasize about?"

"What?" Bay looked at him. This time it was _her_ turn to feel confused. "I… I don't fantasize," she told him.

"What about when you… um…" he glanced toward the ground for a second, acting sheepish. "What about when you masturbate?"

"I… I don't," Bay admitted, and she closed her eyes and let some more tears fall. "I… I tried… um… twice… but I just don't… I can't make myself orgasm, or enjoy it at all."

"So um… what was the thing you said?" Ty asked. "Asexual?"

Bay nodded. "It's a term I found on the internet. There are a bunch of people out there who don't experience sexual attraction, I'm not the only one. We all have our own experiences, and I know some asexuals do masturbate, and some of them like kissing a lot more than me…"

"Okay," Ty replied, trying to be understanding. His tone of voice still sounded pretty confused, though.

"So… you don't find me attractive?" Ty finally asked. He seemed particularly vulnerable in that moment, wearing just his boxers, clearly wanting so badly to be appreciated in the same way he appreciated her. Ty had told Bay in the past how sexy he found her, how he couldn't stop fantasizing about her.

Bay shot him an understanding smile. "You're obviously a really attractive man," she told him. "But I don't find _anyone_ sexually attractive. 'Sexually' being the key word."

Ty nodded, trying to understand.

"Could you maybe show me something online about this 'asexual' thing?" he asked. "I'm… curious and still a little…"

"…confused?" Bay finished for him. She nodded. "Of course. I'll email you some good links."

Bay and Ty decided to break up. They would remain friends, or at least _try_ to stay friends, but Bay felt that Ty… deserved someone who was a lot more sexual than she was. Bay felt like 'dating' him without kissing would be silly, and why not just be friends with him and let him find someone else to kiss?

People knew Bay was single again. 'People' including Emmett. And he seemed to… want her back. But no one knew she was asexual. She'd only told Ty, and he had kept her secret.

So one day, when they happened to be alone, Emmett surprised Bay with a kiss, as well as a passionate declaration of love. He pushed his face against hers, pulling her body into his, and then pulled back, beginning to sign.

"I love you. I've always loved you. I think you forgave me a long time ago. I'm single. You're single. We should be together. What's stopping us? Don't you feel the same way?"

And he waited for Bay's answer. And Bay hesitated. She needed to tell him. Tell him everything. Tell him now.

She pointed at herself to begin, signing the simple word, "I…".

Emmett looked at her hands with wide eyes, waiting patiently for her to continue.

She decided to start over.

"I slept with Ty," she quickly signed, almost the equivalent of 'blurting it out'.

Emmett's facial expression shifted to one of confusion. "So what?" he signed back in reply. "You _know_ I'm not a virgin. I didn't expect you to still be one."

"No, that's not it," she replied. "I… I'm sorry." She stared at her hands, contemplating what to sign next. "I tried having sex, and… I didn't like it," she explained. "I don't even like kissing."

Emmett looked at her like he thought she must have mixed up her signs. "You didn't like my kiss, just now?"

Bay slowly moved her thumb and first two fingers together into a gentle, "No." She looked into his eyes. "I didn't like kissing Ty… and I also don't like kissing you."

Emmett saw what she was saying 'loud' and clear, now, and he started to get upset. Bay didn't want this reaction, but before she could explain more, Emmett started signing angrily and very quickly.

"Fine, then. Go find someone new. I tell you I'm in love with you and you tell me you don't even like kissing me at all. Great. Whatever. Then we're done forever. I'll try to move on. Fine." He turned away before Bay even could respond, and she could've run after him, touched him to make him face her again, explain better, but she was just left… standing there, her mouth hanging open a bit. She was shocked and hurt by his reaction. She was _trying_ to spill _her_ biggest secret and he was taking it as a personal attack against himself.

Bay went to the guest house, needing to talk to Daphne. She was gonna reveal the truth to her, explain _everything_, and try to figure out the best way to sign some of the trickier things relating to asexuality _without _resorting to finger-spelling everything out. She was actually kind of relieved that tonight would be the night that Daphne would find out everything. Ty had gone back overseas and Bay felt really alone in her asexuality with no one in her life knowing about it. Plus, Daphne knew Emmett better than anyone, and she might be able to provide some kind of unique insight into how to talk to him in particular about this issue.

Unfortunately, Regina seemed to be the only one in the guest house when Bay got there.

"Hey, don't leave!" Regina said, trying to halt her biological daughter. "What did you need to talk to Daphne about? Maybe I can help," the woman offered. Bay sighed. It must've been obvious how desperate Bay was to get Daphne's advice on this matter.

"Well… I don't know…"

Regina motioned for Bay to sit beside her at their kitchen table. "You can talk to me about anything. I won't judge you."

"Thanks," Bay replied, smiling lightly. "Okay." She took a deep breath. _Here we go,_ she thought. "I… I don't really like kissing guys at all." She looked up at this mother of hers, trying to gauge her reaction.

Regina was waiting patiently for Bay to continue, seemingly accepting the information so far.

"I liked that Emmett… and Ty… loved kissing me. I loved being wanted. But_ I_ didn't want to kiss them."

"Is there… some_ other_ boy that you wanted to kiss?" Regina hesitantly asked.

"No, it's not like that," Bay quickly corrected.

"Oh, um…" Regina reduced her volume to a near whisper. "Are you thinking you'd rather kiss a girl?"

Bay shook her head. Regina wasn't understanding at all. "No, no, it's not that. I just don't want to kiss _anyone_. I _thought _I did, I wanted to kiss Emmett and Ty more than any other person I've ever… you know?"

Regina didn't reply. Bay took a deep breath and tried to figure out the best way to explain herself.

"I looked up some stuff online, and I've figured out that I'm… asexual. That's actually why Ty and I broke up."

Regina's eyes widened a bit as she began to take in this new information. She didn't say anything, so Bay continued.

"I… I… I know this is awkward to talk to your… mom about," she said, feeling really weird about calling Regina her own "mom" to her face, because she never really did that. "But I basically… got naked with Ty," she explained. She felt her cheeks turning red as she said it. "And he… um… I obviously don't want to get too specific," she hastily prefaced, "but basically nothing he did…" she stopped herself. "I'm asexual. I have never been sexually attracted. I don't… It's not just Ty. It's…" her voice started to crack. "It's me." She tried to keep her composure by taking another pause, and a breath. "I've never actually wanted to have sex. Like at all. And this asexuality thing is real. There are a lot of places on the internet where…"

Regina reached out her hand and placed it on Bay's arm.

"Okay." She interrupted. "Relax. I believe you. I think I understand. You… you were very clear."

"Really?" Bay asked. "Because… because I just came from talking to Emmett, and I tried to 'come out' as asexual to him, but I only got to the kissing part before he got all mad at me and disappeared and I feel like I don't know how to explain myself at all, especially in sign language, so I just thought I'd talk to Daphne and maybe she could help me figure out how to sign this stuff to Emmett-"

"Sweetie," Regina said, cutting off the longest run-on-sentence ever. "Just talk to Emmett again. I got confused at first too, when you started with how you didn't like kissing. But give him another chance."

"But first shouldn't I talk to Daphne because she's so fluent in ASL unlike me-"

Regina cut her off again. "No. I don't think you need to. The problem isn't the signing. It's that this is just hard to talk about_ in general_. Don't you think?"

Bay considered her words. "Yeah," she replied, letting the truth of that sink in. "You're probably right." _I'm always just struggling to express myself when it comes to my asexuality, regardless of if I'm speaking or signing._

Regina hugged Bay goodbye, and Bay felt so relieved, and accepted, especially when Regina whispered in her ear during the hug, "Don't worry. Whatever happens with Emmett, I'm here. I'll talk to him for you if you need me to."

So Bay sent Emmett a text message.

_Can I please come over to your house now?_

And Emmett replied:

_Why?_

And Bay insisted:

_Please? I'll explain when I get there._

And Emmett said:

_Ok._

So Bay pressed the doorbell button which caused the lights to flash inside the Bledsoe house, and as soon as he answered the door, she started over, having thought about what she'd say on the whole drive over.

"I am A-S-E-X-U-A-L", she spelled out for him, beginning where she realized she should've all along. She repeated the spelling one more time, in case he might've missed it the first time, especially since the letter "A" at the beginning was such an important one to not overlook. "This means that I don't want to have sex with people. Everyone in the world. Not just you."

Emmett gently moved his right hand down to form a perpendicular angle on his open left hand, his way of asking her to take a moment. "Come here," he signed, and then he led her over to his couch.

Once they were both seated, Emmett was ready, and Bay tried her best to calmly and clearly explain herself to him.

"I went online, and I found a lot of people who were like me. Who might've loved their boyfriends, yet they didn't… want to have sex."

Emmett started to reply. "Online?"

Bay nodded vigorously. "We're A-S-E-X-U-A-L. It's a sexual… identity," she explained, since there was no way to say 'sexual orientation' in American Sign Language. She'd come across that fact back when she'd first found out Natalie was a lesbian. "It's like being gay, or a lesbian, except instead you're not attracted to boys or girls. You're not attracted to anyone." She hoped that was clear enough. "I… when I dated you, I didn't know yet. I dated you and Ty while I was still… learning about myself."

Emmett wasn't sure how to respond, so Bay tried to help him along.

"You're in love with me?" she asked, although she knew the answer.

"Yes," he replied.

"But would you want to date me even if I didn't want to kiss you? Even if we never would have sex?"

Emmett blinked a few times, thinking about it. It seemed to pain him to consider that kind of future. He'd clearly had so much hope for kisses and more. "I don't know," he finally replied. "I… I _love_ you," he repeated, lingering on the word 'love' with his hands crossed over his heart.

"I love you too," Bay signed back, tears starting to well up in her eyes. "But we can stay in each other's lives as friends, if you wanted to… find another girlfriend to do all of that other stuff with," she explained. A tear escaped and streaked her cheek.

Emmett lifted his finger to gently wipe her tear away. He looked near tears himself.

"We don't have to decide today," Emmett told her. "You love me too?" he asked, even though Bay had_ just_ made that clear.

"Yes," she signed with a smile.

He smiled widely. "I was afraid you didn't love me," he admitted.

"I know," she replied. "I'm sorry for making you think-"

Emmett reached across and stopped her hands from signing any more.

"I'm sorry for running away. You know what? I never thought you liked kissing me as much as I liked kissing you."

"Really?" Bay asked. "You knew?"

"Well… you always seemed to want to pull away first," he explained.

"But you never doubted that I loved you?"

"I could see how much you cared about me."

"I still do," she replied.

Emmett pulled her close to him and kissed her head. Bay let the non-sexual intimacy of it wash over her and it filled her with delight to realize just how much she_ could_ appreciate this type of physical affection. She snuggled up against him and closed her eyes.


End file.
